10 Steps to Building Confidence

My confidence is crap. If I don’t step it up as of 3 months ago my whole life will be nothing but a constant repeat. I am currently pulling myself up from a borderline tragic depressed phase. Speaking on these past depressed events briefly, I’ve been slacking. No one else but me. No one else to blame but me. Quitting and giving up on myself, letting all of myself drift into a man who was never mine. Friends and family dying one by one. All I am left with is a empty phone which only rings when a bill is due. Running away to New York will never solve my problems. My problems are already solved. Build up my confidence! Move forward with strong discipline. Discipline comes with a powerful mind. My dad recently wrote a letter to me saying “I pray daily for your lazy ways.” To this day I have yet to respond back to his letter. Trying to fix my life with gorilla glue, trying to mold the pieces into a valuable masterpiece. My dream is to start over in New York, take a book out there, pick up my fashion brand “Dope Kollectz,” find a church home. I realize that this decision might lead me to hell. I also realize that no sin is greater than the other. Moving to New York is not the cure to my issue, but a significant force that pushes me beyond the stars. My mother was born and raised from there and I feel as though I could kill it. A few years back I had my plans for New York mapped out to the “T.” If I left now, I would have nothing to offer. Before I go again, there are several things that I must do in order to have a clear conscious.

Steps

     1. Copy and write the English and Spanish dictionary from front to back word for word. 

  1. Wake Up! I must start to get up on time! By the time I am dressed the morning is already gone.
  2. Say a prayer, minimum five times a day.
  3. Make amends with the past. There are bridges that I have burned, bridges I have not completed, and bridges that I must continue to build, starting with God.
  4. Put Social Media down for awhile. Social Media pisses me off, it gets me hyped, it keeps me engaged, I go through every emotion with social media and most of the time it takes up several  hours of my day. I must discipline myself to only get on social media if I am sharing the word of God or increasing value to my businesses.
  5. Gain a life plan, create a plan at least to map out the rest of the year. 2018 is flying by. My mother’s birthday is May 26th and my birthday is September 4th. As of today I have nothing to show for it. My mom has no reason to be proud of me at this moment and i have no reason to proud of myself. It’s time to make some powerful noise asap. It’s time to share my love with the world.
  6. Be great to others. Normally if I have it I’ll give it away no questions asked. I am a very loving person who gives constantly. I love volunteer work and I get excited to see others accomplish their short term and long term goals.
  7. Love the girl in the mirror. I can’t begin to count how many compliments I receive within a day’s time. I get told that I’m beautiful endlessly. But when I am alone, I feel indifferent. I begin to think to myself and say, “if I were actually beautiful, I should be set right now. I should be married, I should have this and that.” We all know that list. It never stops.
  8. Breathe. Take a deep breath and relax, take life one day at a time. Make the best out this life. The grass is never greener on the other side. Spend time with loved ones, life could stop tomorrow.
  9. Walk with God. Actually read the bible instead of opening it up once a week at church. Praise God for positivity. Pray that he gives me a humble spirit. Father God I pray for forgiveness. I’m tired of living my life in circles. I’m ready to explore the world. Today stops my petty misery.

 

I must blossom into the woman I desire to be. Not this coward dwelling in my spirit. This me that I have become out of fear is not me, neither will I let this evil spirit demolish my soul. I will walk with my head up towards the Almighty. “Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I shall fear no evil.” Thank you Father God for your mercy, I am nothing more but a vessel. Use me oh God, use me!

P.S. Note to self:

Never let anyone take you out of your element again. You are worthy, you are strong, you will prosper, in the name of Jesus.

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Wishy Washy

I’ve realized that I am wishy washy. Half way completing task as they come and go. Vanishing through  the days like fire. Trusting God one day and the next day trusting Satan. Meanwhile lost in this continent of North America. Lately it seems as though I’ve forgotten what happiness was. I no longer feel it. Instead I feel weak. Trapped into a slavery that will never end. Well it seems like. Staying steady, finding one lane. Creating focus, discipline. Knowing that it doesn’t matter what you look like. The fact that death is mutual and will always remain. Death is a fact. No matter the person. Black, white, hispanic, classy, trashy. All of us.

I’m slowly fading away into dust. Into a skeleton. My body, my soul, my mind, belongs to God. Lord fix me. Take us home Jehovah. The bible says “seek and ye shall find.”

I am not a slave, I’m an Artist. The bible humbles me. It would kill me to see my pastor die while I’m struggling between the light of God, and the devilish ways of Satan…

Recently, God provided me with a watch. I mean an actual watch. While I was on my way to tutor my student down the road, there was a white watch with cheetah prints laying on the ground. It sure did fit my hand perfectly.

God was symbolizing to me that time is near. John Chapter 4 vs. 21 states “ Jesus said to her, Woman believe me, the hour is coming when you will neither on this mountain, nor in Jerusalem, worship the Father. You worship what you do not know; we know what we worship, for salvation is of the Jews. But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”  i want to be so strong and mighty in faith that my mind never wanders off into Satan’s.

My mother keeps explaining to me over and over again that if I don’t reproduce, our legend will no longer live. This is where I begin to make the mistake of questioning God. God why can I not see my future? Why can I not predict tomorrow?

My heart is filled with fear and disturbing faith that is not connecting and latching on to the Almighty God.

I praise myself for recognizing my issues and flaws. Now that I have realized that life is all about choices, I must begin to commit. Whether it be to Satan or to God. If I commited to Satan what would that choice and commitment consist of? Rebelliousness, madness, selfishness, and eternal death? No chance of living again? I feel as though if I move to New York, this is exactly what will happen. My soul will be sold directly to Lucifer in some form of entertainment, and I will accept this as god.

If I commit to God, I can see my loved ones again. I believe that I can rescue my father from Prison with help from Jehovah. My mother would no longer have to grind as hard as she does. I can hold my loved ones into my arms.

Then I begin to think about the difference. Right now as I sit in reality, I see people around me with less. I see people around me with their cell phones in their hand scrolling through social media as if the internet is God. I feel as though the phrase Wishy Washy represents my generation. We have heard of God, but we fear to call his name. We fear that our ungodly friends will judge us, turn their backs on us. And throw dirt on our names. But isn’t God equivalent to eternal life? Who cares if Suzie or Joe don’t agree with my choice to follow God? Instead of turning your back on our frenemies testify God to them so that their blood won’t be on your hands.  John 5 vs 39.

Homeless in my Own Home.

With two weeks creeping upon me like thunder, my brain is in constant wonder. Options are few and all of my money is gone. Would it be easier to just die? With two weeks on my plate, I can’t think straight. I cut off all social media just to see who my true friends were. Turned out to be exactly what I expected it to be. I’m so tired of this world I couldn’t even afford to kill myself if I wanted too. Money this money that. This is definitely the roughest patch I’ve every encountered in my life.

My first thought was to call my mother. No answer. Nine hours later I get a response that says “Wussup.” Damn, okay I see what you really about now. That’s fine, I’ll remember that for next time, if I’m still around. I called her this morning, March 18th, no answer.

Now today is Friday, March 22, 2018. I feel worse then March 18. I feel lost, sad, mentally ill, guilty, like an alien. I can’t believe this shit is happening  to me.  Am I just supposed to go broke and die off? How do I return to Society at this point with nothing. Society will eat you up, it will tear you down, it will throw you around, it will take your life, and then there’s tomorrow. It starts all over again. The happiness, the job, the fear, church, those bills, Satan.

Its funny how humans can’t predict tomorrow. It’s funny how No one around me is perfect. No human on earth can predict if tomorrow will be the last day upon earth. Why is there pain in my body? Why is my homegirl going through the same thing I am? Why do I trust this man and then they fail me? Questions Galore right? If you have a strong mind, and I mean a mind filled with emotional stories, and countless possibilities, you must be God’s image.

When a man can prove precisely and predict when the last day upon earth will be, That is when you can trust man. If everyone around me is imperfect, there must be a reason why. The entire world is filled with pain and corruption, there must be a God. There’s an old homeless black guy I see everyday. When I had my car he would clean my windows to the “T.” When he got inside the car to clean the inside I said this is all I have, which was about $7.00 at that point. He said don’t give me your last. Break bread with me. I gave him $3.00 which left me with $5 left. The next time I saw him, I had none. Without word this homeless man gave me all the change in his pocket I mean everything and poured it into my hands.  He didn’t know that he had gave me enough to make it to church the next day on the bus. He didn’t know that I was dirt flat broke. With the clothes and smile I wear. You could never tell.

When pain wakes my body and everyone around me has also experienced pain, somehow, in some form. This questions me. There must be a God.

There’s a Bible with written thoughts, experiences, evidence, structure, pain, death, etc. that explains my life, your life, his life, her life, to the exact point?

Save yourself.

How selfish…I love the word selfish. It doesn’t matter how much you love everyone else. You can’t save them so you must save yourself!

Your family, your enemies, your friends, the associates, the managers, whoever! Will begin to notice and see that your footsteps have changed. Your decisions have changed. Your walk is different, your talk is different, and your head is standing high.

Wow! That must be God! She’s even smiling different!

They will want to know who this new person is! Why is she so happy? Let them wonder what God is up to in you! Rev. T.D. Jakes once said, “take off the plaster.” Take off all of that extra junk that’s keeping you involved into Satan.

Well back to today.

 

Would it be wrong to ask for donations at this point? Would you mind if I asked you? It’s okay, if not, that homeless man out there will break his last! Amen!

$KiyaurieX

Dear White Man, dear Satan.

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I now understand what you’re doing. You’ve been doing it all along. Satan is the source of your power, but it won’t last long, God free these black brainwashed souls. I’m tired of seeing my people strung out, homeless, and lost inside this continent of North America. How do I make change? It starts with prayer. Dedicated prayer.(Pray now) When you pray it makes the devil weak. It blocks Satan from disturbing your blessing. Do I believe Satan lives in the hierarchy? Hell🔥yes. And I mean hell🔥. Literally. Satan is all over and it has come to the point where I can no longer stand to see my people commit to selling their soul to Satan. Jehovah is ready. It looks like it’s up to me to save those who want to be saved. Lord you are my saving grace. Give me guidance. Give me peace. Help me to understand that it is beyond me. I must do God‘s will. If I do not fulfill God‘s destiny, I will go to Hell🔥 myself. Knowing who I am and then looking directly into the mirror is scary. Knowing my true job upon n this earth is terrifying. I am going to become God’s soldier only. No longer will I work under the white man. God has shown me over the last few weeks that if I do not seek him. If I do not believe in him any longer. I will never be able to get a job out here again.
The only job that I will be able to maintain is preaching God’s word. Now in my head I’m thinking that this can’t be true. In my head I figure that this was just a voice that would move over and push over. But I’m telling you, this is the voice of God that I am hearing inside of my head. Every job that I have gone to after this voice in my head has told me I wouldn’t get it, I have not gotten a normal job. What’s a “normal “ job? A job where the white man is in charge. Not only am I overqualified. I can create my own nation.
I do not have the confidence. I am weak. I am terrified, scared, nervous, and anxious. But if I do not let these emotions move. The blood of others will be on my hands. And when I say others, I mean my people. May the Spirit of God use me. Over and over and over again until God is ready to open up his glory. I will no longer stand to watch businesses that help Satan‘s work. Not only is it conniving, it is not of God. There will come the day, the hour, and the second where buildings with leaks will fall. The government has leaks and it will fall. Move my soul Lord. Move the souls of the ones who want your word father. Help me explain to the world that the time is coming! #God #Religion #Fashion #Blackness #Unapologetically5FC68F1C-CC4F-46DF-9C16-2A615D341B83

Rich and Poor.

8BDAFF0E-C6AA-493F-B130-DB37A97B05B2With $6.09 in my bank account, my life is on edge. I’ve now sunken into my bed. What lyes outside my door is cold red. Inside these walls I’m comforted and secure. No money pain to endure. No ignorant boss to respond too. Just me and my $6.09 in my sunken bed.

Last week my bank account contained over two grand. I had several different plans. The thought crossed my mind to drop everything, I mean literally everything and run to New York City to start a new life. If I would’ve pursued my first mind and ran to NYC where would I be right now? Would I be happy? Would my pockets be empty or full? Could I have finessed a plan to take me to the top? Would I be two grand richer? Or in the negatives? I’ll never know. Leaving behind my apartment lease, other bills, and my “following credit” I figure I made the right decision. No time for haunting credit reports and terrifying phone calls that end all future stability. I rather stay in my sunken bed with $6.09.

Going off the grid completely crossed my mind as well. I had planned to take off to my never before seen homeland, Africa. Accra Ghana to be exact. I wanted to find that natural pink ocean that I’ve only read and dreamed about. I want to be surrounded by dark skin. My people. To find my own “Wakanda.” The government should at LEAST sponsor free trips to African Americans who desire to visit or move back home. That’s the LEAST Uncle Sam can do. We get nothing? Not even our 40 acres and a mule that you promised my ancestors years ago? Here I am, with $6.09. Bills paid with decent credit.

Until I return home, I promise to make change. I promise to be the change. To bring demanding awareness to America. Trump better move out my way. I’m just getting started. 23 years young with $6.09 in my digital wallet. I’ve never seen a government so money greedy, evil, violent and comfortable. You take money out my checks, I am feeding you. Half of my earnings go to you. In reality, under the rug transactions are more beneficial. The IRS forces fear. Maintaining this broke, poverty, insane, lifestyle is exactly what you want. How can a country that prints its own money be in debt? You fool, you coward. America will never see freedom. Modern day slavery is entact, pressed, and everlasting. We see you locking up our fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, mothers, my people period. If they have melanin I’ll claim them. Release my people in the name of Jesus.

Understand that I am filthy rich. I have Jehovah God. My Allah, my provider, my father, my counselor. Money is everything but nothing. Father God heal this nation from temptation.

If I receive one more collect call from Satan…