My confidence is crap. If I don’t step it up as of 3 months ago my whole life will be nothing but a constant repeat. I am currently pulling myself up from a borderline tragic depressed phase. Speaking on these past depressed events briefly, I’ve been slacking. No one else but me. No one else to blame but me. Quitting and giving up on myself, letting all of myself drift into a man who was never mine. Friends and family dying one by one. All I am left with is a empty phone which only rings when a bill is due. Running away to New York will never solve my problems. My problems are already solved. Build up my confidence! Move forward with strong discipline. Discipline comes with a powerful mind. My dad recently wrote a letter to me saying “I pray daily for your lazy ways.” To this day I have yet to respond back to his letter. Trying to fix my life with gorilla glue, trying to mold the pieces into a valuable masterpiece. My dream is to start over in New York, take a book out there, pick up my fashion brand “Dope Kollectz,” find a church home. I realize that this decision might lead me to hell. I also realize that no sin is greater than the other. Moving to New York is not the cure to my issue, but a significant force that pushes me beyond the stars. My mother was born and raised from there and I feel as though I could kill it. A few years back I had my plans for New York mapped out to the “T.” If I left now, I would have nothing to offer. Before I go again, there are several things that I must do in order to have a clear conscious.
1. Copy and write the English and Spanish dictionary from front to back word for word.
- Wake Up! I must start to get up on time! By the time I am dressed the morning is already gone.
- Say a prayer, minimum five times a day.
- Make amends with the past. There are bridges that I have burned, bridges I have not completed, and bridges that I must continue to build, starting with God.
- Put Social Media down for awhile. Social Media pisses me off, it gets me hyped, it keeps me engaged, I go through every emotion with social media and most of the time it takes up several hours of my day. I must discipline myself to only get on social media if I am sharing the word of God or increasing value to my businesses.
- Gain a life plan, create a plan at least to map out the rest of the year. 2018 is flying by. My mother’s birthday is May 26th and my birthday is September 4th. As of today I have nothing to show for it. My mom has no reason to be proud of me at this moment and i have no reason to proud of myself. It’s time to make some powerful noise asap. It’s time to share my love with the world.
- Be great to others. Normally if I have it I’ll give it away no questions asked. I am a very loving person who gives constantly. I love volunteer work and I get excited to see others accomplish their short term and long term goals.
- Love the girl in the mirror. I can’t begin to count how many compliments I receive within a day’s time. I get told that I’m beautiful endlessly. But when I am alone, I feel indifferent. I begin to think to myself and say, “if I were actually beautiful, I should be set right now. I should be married, I should have this and that.” We all know that list. It never stops.
- Breathe. Take a deep breath and relax, take life one day at a time. Make the best out this life. The grass is never greener on the other side. Spend time with loved ones, life could stop tomorrow.
- Walk with God. Actually read the bible instead of opening it up once a week at church. Praise God for positivity. Pray that he gives me a humble spirit. Father God I pray for forgiveness. I’m tired of living my life in circles. I’m ready to explore the world. Today stops my petty misery.
I must blossom into the woman I desire to be. Not this coward dwelling in my spirit. This me that I have become out of fear is not me, neither will I let this evil spirit demolish my soul. I will walk with my head up towards the Almighty. “Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadows of death, I shall fear no evil.” Thank you Father God for your mercy, I am nothing more but a vessel. Use me oh God, use me!
P.S. Note to self:
Never let anyone take you out of your element again. You are worthy, you are strong, you will prosper, in the name of Jesus.